SUNSHINE ON THE WATER


Making New Memories...




Sunday, June 10, 2007


It isn't easy making new memories that in some manner bring back old ones...

You find yourself in a new place and time...someone new to experience life's beauty with...yet you find the past creep upon you...the happy moments you used to have in the old places and times...with those who were most important to you then.

You have entered a world where some of the things you enjoyed most throughout your life lie right before you...You hold back the tears and pain you feel inside...telling yourself that it is okay to move forward and experience things you once enjoyed so much, with someone new.

You allow yourself to enjoy this new time and place...you both share some of your memories...bring something new into the experiences...and the next thing you know...while you weren't even paying attention...it happened...

Some things you have not enjoyed for so long have become fresh new memories...some of the pain has eased up...the tears not wanting to come so readily...you find yourself smiling from the inside out...

Because you are now thinking of that one day...the day the old merged with the new...

Internet Dating








I have been out here on and off for just over 3 years now...i think...havent really been keeping track of it. (am I supposed to keep track of that?) I have not been in a relationship in just over 2 years...which isn't really a bad thing...at least I have not fallen into a "bad" relationship again "and" it gauges the many changes I have made in the choices I make when it comes to men.

I have jumped from site to site...looking for "that one guy"...have seen many of the same faces from site to site...which worries me about how many people are still single and looking after all this time...however at least I know for fact I am "not" the only one and don't have to ask!

I can't say that I have been seriously looking tho...just mostly putting myself out here, just in case "he's" out here too...after all how are you to find each other if you both are never in the same place at the same time? Live in different cities. If you always go left and he goes right? Reflecting back upon my journey through the world of internet dating...I feel I have learned so much...about myself and others...

Over the past 3 years I have learned alot and changed alot! I now know that in the beginning I probably really wasn't quite ready for "that one guy"! NOW, he's probably not ready for "ME"! LOL Which leads me to believe that there very well may be many people out there who are not yet ready...even though, they may think they are...

It also makes me wonder why some of these people haven't changed thier picture after 1 or 2 years...??? Personally I feel if you are going to be on a "dating" site...you should have a photo that is within at least the past six months...(just my opinion)...my photos are generally within a period of wayyy less than six months...sometimes within a week...besides my hair is much longer than it was six months ago anyway! Why "not" change it?

I have talked to many, made some friends, met a few...learned that I "just attract" men who drive red vehicles...been contacted on messenger by wayyyyy too many who just want sex...ohhh...they are just SO FUN!!! HAHAHA....generally within five minutes of sex being mentioned...they no longer "want" to talk to "me"...hehe:D

One thing I can say is that the internet itself has helped me with my self-esteem (just so you know, I had "none" to start with) people who meet me these days cannot believe I was "ever" shy a day in my life...The most important lesson I have ever learned is "how to be myself!"

I have learned to be who I am and express it in real life. Not just on here...I can now talk to strangers face to face...and not be timid or shy! Just last week I walked into a place full of strangers...and talked to lots of people I have never met and felt confident! A very long way from where I was 3 years ago...

This internet dating thing has helped me to realize that just because someone don't like me does not mean there is anything wrong with "me"...(okay, maybe I "could" be a lil fk'd up) It's just that some people click with you and others dont...just as in the real world...sometimes I like people I work with and then there are those I don't!

No sense being upset because some guy I went on a few dates with has rejected me...obviously we were not meant for each other. Take if for what it is and just maybe you could have a new friend...no reason to go 5150 and become the poor guys newest stalker!

There is no reason to be shy...all the world is a stage and we are merely the actors...someone somewhere will see me at my best and at my worst...and if someone cannot accept me for "all that I am" then they are not meant to be in my world! And I have found who my "true" internet friends are during some of my lowest times! They are the ones who are still with me today...when I am happy inside! Despite all my "ups & downs"!

At this particular moment in life I am actually quite content with just "me"! Being single isn't "all" that bad...I have friends who love me...I have all my time for what I want (my goals, hopes & dreams)...no one to "try" controlling me...(which never works out well for them anyway) But...I keep myself out here just in case, "he" is out here too..........

And....that's all I have to say about that!

Aftermath of a hurricane...
Current mood: worried
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

Everyday I live in the aftermath of a hurricane...

It takes time to rebuild...anything...everything...be it a home, a relationship, your love or your life. And when you lose it all, to rebuild it becomes the biggest challenge you shall ever face!
It takes patience, perseverence, dedication, love, determination, every ounce of energy you have within you to draw out the strength that lies somewhere deep inside.
You work everyday toward the goals you set for yourself...to rebuild your life...your home...your love...relationships with those you care for most...you set some big, some small and then there are all those itty bitty ones you must reach just to get to your ultimate goal.
Many obstacles arise...only to hold you back or hold you down...make you feel as though there is no end to the chaos...no light at the end of the tunnel...no way to get there from here.
But each obstacle is only a test...a test of your strength...a test of your dedication...perhaps even a test of your character...obstacles asking questions...how much do you desire this goal that you are striving to attain? Are you certain beyond the shadow of a doubt this is what you want?
Some obstacles may be put there to show you a different path to get to where you want to be...to show you a different way to rebuild something...perhaps to help you build it stronger or more beautiful.
Other obstacles may be there to show you that you are going in the wrong direction...telling you to turn back...because you have already walked this road...find a different way.
Some may just be telling you it is time to rest for a short period...regroup...get things back in order...build up your strength for the next obstacle shall be larger and you will need more strength than for the last one...
Every night you think yourself to sleep...wondering what the events of the next day shall unfold...you wake every morning, reach inside and pull out whatever strength you can find to get yourself through the day...and somehow you mangage it...once again!
You make changes...you learn...you grow...day in and day out...for many months...that turn into a year and more...events transpire everyday...some good, some bad...some you see making changes before your eyes, others you cannot see the changes they are making...no that is left for the future to tell...
Some people stand by you thru the pain and heartache...most just don't seem to care nor believe in you and just walk away...
New people come into your life, some leave, others stay. Somehow each of these people have made a change in you...a change that has helped you to grow or to think differently...every person you meet affects you in some manner whether you realize it or not...
One day you wake to find yourself right smack dab in the middle of the transformation...suddenly wondering how it is you got here after all you have been through...after all the bad, upsetting things that have transpired...this is when you realize that something good can come from bad events...something good can come from your suffering and you have not suffered in vain...
Perhaps it was the only way for you to get where you needed to be as a person...perhaps it was a small part of your destiny...you would not be who you are today without having experienced all that you have been through...you would not know the strength you hold inside you had you never been made to find it...
You reach that ultimate goal...the challenge of your life...only to find yourself living in the aftermath of a hurricane...

What is "life" anyway...but one BIG game...
Current mood: geeky
Category: Life

So...whats this "game" thing everyone talks about???
"No games please"
Doesn't anyone know that LIFE is nothing but one BIG game?
EVERYONE is playing
We're all just a card in the deck!
Sometimes your the KING other times just the deuce
You could be the OLD MAID
Get slapped like JACK
Sometimes all hell breaks loose and it becomes WAR!
BRIDGEs can be built & burned & rebuilt
Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose!
Sometimes you wanna play and other times you don't!
Some can play nice & others try to cheat
It can be fun and it can be really awful!
But in the game of LIFE...you really don't have much choice...
LIFE is somewhat of an attraction!
A rollercoaster ride!
It can excite you!
It can scare the beejeezers outta ya!
Make you laugh, cry, scream & shout
But once you are in the game you don't have a choice...
just hang on...
cuz yer goin for the ride...
all the ups and downs it brings...
like it or not!
Then...you could just play TENNIS
and look for that zero score!

Well...that's what fertilizer is for...

Remember, when you get crapped on, it gives you fuel for life!

These were the words from my friend Pete tonight in a conversation as he was trying so hard to bring this wilting WildFlower back to life...

He is so sweet n wonderful on these many cranky days it seems I have been having...he is...sort of a nerd...very intelligent...and cute too...but he tries to be funny...which doesn't always work for him...at least not with me anyway...I mostly roll my eyes at his many failed attempts...

But tonight he got the best of my pessimistic way! So much for dying wildflowers! Just throw a lil crap their way and see how much stronger they grow back...

So here is where I realized that all this CRAP that has been thrown my way over the past couple weeks...several months actually...has not really been choking the life out of me as I thought...NO...it is fueling up my soul!! And here I thought my soul was starving...boy was I ever mistaken!!! I'm getting more nourishment than a whole field of wildflowers would need to grow...

Now...to find that "woohoohoo" (as my friend Scott puts it) that is inside me somewhere...presumably buried deeply under all the crap! The hard part is not really the shoveling of the crap but absorbing the nourishment it has to offer...one could assume that a bowl of attitude for breakfast would be much tastier than a bowl of crap...however...be careful...we all know the deal with assuming! So, perhaps we should stop making asses of ourselves and just take the CRAP!

So in the morning I'm gonna take my bowl of crap absorb its nutrients and GROW!

Monday, October 23, 2006


Life ain't always beautiful...But...it's a Beautiful Life!!!
Current mood: lonely
Category: Life

Nope...LIFE AIN'T ALWAYS BEAUTIFUL...sometimes life brings us down...brings sadness, pain and heartache...scares the beejeezers outta us...damages or hurts us in some manner...be it physical or emotional...

THEN...then there is this thing called BALANCE...

but...IT'S A BEAUTIFUL LIFE....sometimes life brings us up...brings happiness, joy, excitement, love and fulfullment...scares the beejeezers outta us...yet heals us in some manner be it physical or emotional...

We take risks everyday of our lives...sometimes physical, sometimes emotional...sometimes we are aware of our risk taking and other times we may not be...

We take risks that may hurt us...risks that may heal us...ones that bring pain or joy...love or sadness...happiness or fulfillment...but we take them...and even at the moments we decide NOT to take a risk...still we are...

The very moment we decide NOT to RISK our battered HEARTS to LOVE...we are taking a RISK...we risk losing something that could be the most beautiful thing that ever came into our lives!

We should RISK it! We shall heal...life finds a way...

Life ain't always beautiful...but....it's a BEAUTIFUL LIFE!!!

LIVE IT FOR ALL YOU CAN!!!

If you always...
June 3, 2006

Thought for the Day!
Current mood: calm
Category: Writing and Poetry

"If you always do what you've always done...you'll always get what you've always got!"

ALL things happen for a reason! Each of these experiences have a lesson to offer us...if only we would open our mind & soul to learning each lesson!

When things seem to always stay the same...even though the scenery has changed...this is because we continue to take the same actions, expecting different results!

We all have some level of risk taking inside us...however we somehow choose to use this wonderful, powerful talent in a manor that only keeps us from being fully alive!

Kelly Clarkson says it well....

"TAKE A RISK, TAKE A CHANCE, MAKE A CHANGE........AND BREAK AWAY!!!!!!!!"